I haven't written in this in forever...with good reason. I lied and said I was happy so so so so soooo much. It's incredible. Alot of my entries were bullshit and I'm sorry. I wasn't happy for years. I was in a messy situation with different messy dudes for a long time and now my life makes sense. It's comforting to know that I'm not nearly as crazy or reliant on computers to share my feelings. I ran to websites to try and let out a breath or two of frustration when what I needed was seperation and therapy. Wow. I hope you are well.

7:17pm Colin: you can't let that stuff keep you from doing the things you want to do

do them now while you can

worry about the other stuff later, when/if it comes up

7:20pm Colin: and i feel like the regret of not taking advantage of an opportunity like that, especially since it's something you've wanted to do for a while now, would severely outweigh having to deal with any of that other stuff when you get back

7:21pm Megan: its not like i'd disappear entirely for 10 years or something

it is something id love to do

7:21pm Colin:i know, that's what i'm saying

it would be like, a year away

and i'm sure in a year everything will be almost exactly how you left it
7:22pm Megan: you're right.

you love me. i can tell.

otherwise..you wouldnt be encouraging me to do this

7:23pm Colin: it would be like going to chicago, or to mexico

but on a much grander scale

and i would hate for you to miss out on something like that

and i really feel like now is the perfect time for you

your debt is really my debt, so i'll take care of it while you're gone

and you really don't have any other obligations at the moment

no lease, no car payments, nothing like that

7:25pm Megan: ok well now to see if 1) im qualified and 2) if they need my help anywhere

7:25pm Colin:i'm sure you are, and i'm sure they do

they always need help

volunteers aren't generally overly abundant

7:26pm Megan:id love to be able to split in half and go multiple places at once

i wonder if they have a person you can talk to about which area you're most suited for

7:26pm Colin: i'm sure they probably do

7:27pm Megan: sound like me?
Youth development Volunteers offer young people in-school lessons and extracurricular activities. They conduct community projects aimed at preventing substance abuse and the spread of HIV, and promoting a healthy lifestyle. They help youth develop skills in information technology, business, leadership, civics, ecology, and career development. Volunteers also organize summer camps promoting active citizenry, initiate journalism programs, implement Big Brother/Big Sister programs on mentoring orphans and disadvantaged youth and conduct educational seminars for teachers.

Volunteers are based at schools and cooperate with local partners such as youth centers, cultural organizations, departments of family, youth and sport, centers of social services for youth, government services for minors, youth nongovernmental organizations and boarding schools.

7:28pm Colin: yup
7:29pm Megan: if youre serious about the debt thing, i'll look into this seriously.
7:30pm Colin: i am serious
7:30pm Megan: at what point in my adult life am i going to have this few strings tying me to my current life?
7:30pm Colin: that was why i looked into it and sent you that link

exactly

7:30pm Megan: sooo if i move to the ukraine or jordan or peru, will you write me letters?
7:31pm Colin: absolutely
7:31pm Megan: i just randomly picked 3 places id like to visit
haha

7:31pm Colin: nice
7:31pm Megan: id consider all 3 for different reasons

ukraine for their post communist democratic rebuilding of their society.. jordan for womens advancement, and peru because of the poverty

id really go just about anywhere i think

7:33pm Colin: awesome

i really hope you look into it at the very least

i think you would be crazy not to

7:33pm Megan: i am right this second

and i think youre right

so to reward you, im trying to make fancy food.

:-P

7:34pm Colin: haha, ok

you know i'm gonna be crazy jealous when you leave to go half way around the globe

7:35pm Megan: you can visit :-)
annnd maybe someday do it yourself
im sure you'll do something similar
eventually

7:35pm Colin: i will

i just need to get my affairs in order first

but i'll gladly let you take this turn



Wanting what's best for me is love. Wanting me to do something for my own good without any benefits for himself is love. Unless me being out of the country is a benefit, and it may be. I need to grow and to grow I think I need to go. Go and experience the world! As mentioned above, I may never have a more perfect opportunity to act my age, see the world, live a little. My lease is up in June, I have a place to stay for the summer..and now I'm going to look into volunteering abroad (seriously).

Please pray for me.

<3

hey you know what?
i'm better off.

(wow.)

summer is quickly approaching and i am ready to embrace her!

cookouts, baseball, fireworks, warm nights, ADVENTURE!

i don't know what any of you have been up to lately because i've been so out of it.

the long and the short of it as follows in a list:
-colin thought i broke up with him when i didn't. so he went off to chicago single. he now has all these new friends that "love" him, but i hope he realizes that when they get back to their lives.. well yeah. i'm beyond concerned for his wellbeing, but he has demonstrated he really doesn't care at all about mine.

- i need to find a new place to live. and maybe a new job to adequetely pay for living wherever i may need to move. colin has no set plans. he's talking about moving to california now. i'm happy for him if he feels non profit work with IC is a good fit for him, i'm just skeptic because of all his other fleeting interests (cooper union? school?) i feel like he's doing anything he can to avoid growing up. it sucks. he was nice to me yesterday but otherwise has really been a jerk lately.

- he tells me i have low self esteem. i dont know if he realizes its hard for a girl when the person she's in a relationship doesn't give a shit when they break up. or that they prefer the company of other girls they met a week ago over hers. or that its hard for person A to take care of B and love them unconditionally when person B is totally apathetic.

I'm upset. I am. I miss the way Colin used to be. He's so depressed right now and I'm not making him happy. It's better this way. Even though he has no set plans, no way to get by, he owes me a ton of money, etc..but he's happier without me. I wonder why I have low self esteem. I feel used! That's why!

I want to believe that he will be decent again someday. I hope so. This new Colin stinks.

i was prettier in 2007.



is it normal to always feel gross? maybe it's because i clean up misfired urine and vacuum every day. i don't think colin finds me very attractive anymore, and i can't blame him. i look like a bum when i get home from work. my skin is always destroyed and i've gained weight again.

is it wrong to long for a little more glamour? i'm not the most feminine chick on the block, but i feel so detached from being female sometimes. from being pretty. i used to be cute and i don't feel that much nowadays

this probably makes no sense. big shock.

I find myself identifying with those Cymbalta commercials again. Sometimes I feel like I really have a handle on things, but inevitably I start feeling overwhelmed with Life again.

I always set goals for myself that are too far out of my reach and then when I can't actualize them, I want to hide from myself.

I feel like I'm always behind in school, but I've been getting B+'s and A's. I don't know how that's happening but I'm hoping I can keep that up. Having a solid GPA again is really kind of necessary if I want to transfer into a real college.

My life is so up in the air right now. I'm kind of a planner, so this is driving me a little crazy. I may or may not have to move again. Colin may or may not be going to school in New York. He may or may not want me to go with him. I may or may not want to go if he does want me to. Everyone I tell about him going to Cooper assumes I'm going with him, but I can bet you a dollar that's not his plan. That's fine, but I'd really like to know if me moving to NY is even a possibility in his eyes. If it's not, I need to start looking for a new place to live!!

I have enough living room furniture for two houses but I still lack storage for my stuff. I would really like to buy a new bedframe with drawers underneath of it. That would eliminate so much clutter and it would really ease my nerves. I keep stopping myself from buying one because of my limited funds. I am so incredibly scared of running out of money. I feel like my job isn't very secure and that's really scary. I wish Colin would have better luck in finding a job that suits him, even if it's temporary.

I don't mean for this entry to be all "woe is me" but my life is kind of shaky right now. Atleast it will be warm soon and if I have to live in the camry, I won't freeze!! Haha.

Oh yeah, and I found out today that it's going to cost around 1000.00 in parts to fix my car. I was planning on buying a new computer, this one is moments from death. *sigh.

I would really like to have a pet but if I have to move soon, there's a possibility the new place would have a "no pet" policy. And then I would be up a creek.

I keep falling asleep after work and school and it's really eating up the time I should use cleaning my house, going to the gym (i feel gross all the time), reading books for pleasure, exploring my city, etc.

Ugh, wah wah wah.

I'm okay. I kind of love channel 24 late at night. Seinfeld forever. .


OH OH OH before I end this... An incredible band from Sweden called "Suis La Lune" is doing a tiny tour of the East coast. I'm going to try and see them as much as my schedule allows. They reminded me why I love live shows!

I had a genuinely great day. I was wide awake at six something am and thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of my day until about 9:03pm. Now it kind of sucks, but earlier today was golden. Everything went nicely and I knew I was glowing. I must have been smiling like a retard. The air this morning just made me feel alive.
that's all.
<3

Alice went home.





fireworks went off that night
when Alice went home
dreams exploding in the sky
it's all very strong
there she goes alone, outside
thinking you and I

My mom told me today that Emily is having a baby boy in June.
I kind of hated her already for getting pregnant the first time. I know it's petty but I'm older and I was kind of looking forward to the idea of getting married and having kids of my own..doing things the right way, for their benefit and my own. The truth of the matter is that I may never be able to have children. My grandmother and my mother both had several miscarriages.. Emily had severe complications with her first pregnancy..But out of that scary situation came Kira, one of the sweetest most beautiful babies I have ever met (the only one I'm not afraid to hold)...She has no idea how badly she's already fucked up Kira and Baby 2's lives. I don't think she really even cares. I want kids some day. I want a family. I don't want kids who grow up knowing their life was an accident, like I have.

They are going to have a really rough life and so are my parents...they didn't have sex and have two more kids in their 40's. My sister fucked up and now they get to raise two infants. My mom has two full time jobs right now and she's worried about making ends meet..

Please pray for my family.